I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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