I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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