Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
