I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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