Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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