I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
