tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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