I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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