if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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