Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
