Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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