how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
