you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize