omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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