I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
