my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
