hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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