dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
