ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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