My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
love makes seman taste better
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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