I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
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