remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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