I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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