I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Can Purell be used as lube?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
