He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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