guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
