So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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