Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
