normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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