just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
