ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
