He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
