Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I have aggressive nipples.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
