just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
