Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
