We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
