Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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