I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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