apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
