I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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