i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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