Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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