Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
