I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
