You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
