jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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