at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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