i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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