life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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