No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
