i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
