I murdered the dance floor call the cops
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
dude i'm inner monologue high
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
