I need to stop coming to work sober
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
