Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
