Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
